Kevin Drew - F—ked Up Kid

i think, when it comes down to it, music is what connects me to others (or at least how i relate to others) and keeps me grounded in this reality. Otherwise, i have an awful time connecting with what is real. A little insanity, i believe, keeps us straight, which in my opinion is a contradiction of terms. But i, myself that is, am a contradiction of terms to begin with. The agoraphobic who loves to travel and can’t live in one place for more than six months. The emo who loves to love and will not tolerate self loathing or, what i consider self loathing to be, too much focus on self. i will not go so far as to say i am selfless, as only a select, strong few are. But i will go so far as to say i try to be selfless. Maybe not emo in the sense of depression, but i am most definitely what you would call “passions”. i wish i weren’t this way, so tempted and driven by emotions and feelings that it gets me in all sorts of trouble. But passions i am, and they do lead me to a certain love of people. This also creates sort of a bipolarity in me though, and im never sure what emotion to embrace, so i try to suppress them all. When i let them go, loose to roam free and wreak their own sort of havocks, bad things start to happen. But music allows me a break, a sort of window in that i can escape in it and let my emotions run free in a safe and protected setting. Whether it be epic instrumental (check out Codes In The Clouds), dreamy shoegaze (recently M83, or The Radio Dept., or any other such band), or high energy and heavier (anything from Johnny Foreigner to Wolf Parade to Emery), these melodies normally reflect and expand upon my ever changing moods and permit me to delve safely deeper into the mess of them all without the reciprocating effects i normally place upon those unfortunate enough to be in my proximity. Music is an escape in this way, and i embrace this. The fact is that i do enjoy the more solitary of pursuits: books, music, typography, pictures, etc. … i do not wish to separate myself from those around me, but i do sometimes think it best were i not in the lives of others. i could stick to my guns, that which i enjoy, whilst not entangling my problems in the lives of others. But i cannot be this way. People are a good majority of why i live. To help them surpasses all my selfish ambition. And i need their help. If isolation be what i run to, then begins the heavy downward spiral and ive already lost. im stuck with my own opinions and perspective. Not only do i need to help people, but they help me more than i give them credit for. Music can only help to a certain, limited extent in this way. It’s tones and structures, layered rhythms and increasing complexities help me untangle whats in my mind, but only as far as i allow it. Music is not reactionary to me, but i to it. People, thank God, are not this way. Music is complicated and simple all together at the same time, within itself. But if we bring a human into the life of another, we have something more complicated than most things. Relationships are what define most everything, and when it comes down to it, is really one of the only few things that matter. Then, more so, think of what happens when two people listen to a song together…

and maybe after talking about it as such, i realise my dependency on others, and that music might not be what keeps me here after all.